There is brokenness-frail humanness
In relationships entangled
By biting, angry bitter words
Screamed from a heart that’s wounded
But Your presence, Lord, brings clarity,
Dispels the fog of dark delusions
The oil of joy gently given
Poured out onto the hurting
Soothes the soul in mourning
And the heaviness is lifted
You give beauty for ashes,
But first we go through fire
As by Your hand our lives
Are delivered from the Liar.
Spirit of the living God,
So gratefully I praise you.
You do for us what only You can do-
You call us from the ashes
And make us new.
December 27, 2020
If it wasn’t for Your love,
I would have nowhere to go
There’d be no reason to get out of bed
Fight to open my eyes or try
If I didn’t know Your love
Life would be a living hell
The absence of Your presence – unspeakable!
Darkness too deep – incomprehensible!
If I didn’t know Your love
It would prove I’m already dead
Because You said You’d be with me always-
You love me-that’s what you said.
So I wait here in the darkness
Of this long night of the soul
Knowing only with Your Presence
Can my heart again be whole…
My hope may be bruised and broken
At times I feel so alone
But I’ve known Your love
It has carried me
And I know it will carry me home.
Dec 20, 2020
I stood alone behind
My self-made wall of fear and pride.
It kep the world locked out
(Me with my fears, locked up inside).
There were no doors or windows
In this fortress I had made
(I couldn’t take a chance
Someone would see my guilt and shame).
One day, you knocked upon my wall
And old me of a light–
The light of God’s acceptance
That could put my fears to flight.
You said if I surrendered,
Laying down my will, my pride,
That He would be my fortress–
(There’d be no more need to hide).
Carefully, with trembling hands,
I lifted off one brick.
Then I removed another
(Thought I wasn’t moving quick!).
A ray of light came shining
Through the window I had made–
As time went on, I found
I was a little less afraid.
I took more bricks down one by one
Until I built a door.
Then I ventured out
(A risk I couldn’t take before!).
Not only did I tip-toe out–
I let some people in.
They weren’t a threat–
They were a joy!
I found some special friends.
I built an altar from those bricks,
Offered up my fear and pride,
Then found to my amazement–
There was more room for peace inside!
Tearing down my fortress
Was the beginning of hope for me.
Now life is becoming better
Than I ever dreamed it could be
Letting go of what’s behind,
Embracing what’s ahead,
Going through the changes
As I feel I have been led.
To learn and trust and grow.
Believing when I ask His will
He’ll give me grace to know.
Grasping for serenity
And fragile peace of mind
Praying for the power
To do what I may find.
I make now this commitment
(which I know won’t be the last
for it is but a stepping stone
along this winding path)
So now that I have given it
My all, my very best,
I have to LET IT GO
And trust in Him to do the rest.
August 28, 1988
I searched for buried treasure,
Looked for pearls far and wide
But came up empty handed
With longing deep inside
My eyes could see but not understand
My ears heard clamor and noise
My broken heart was distracted
By the world and all its toys
Until one day the Good Shepherd
Reclaimed this wandering lamb.
Now I am redeemed,
Bought back from destruction
Held safe in His loving hands.
I cried November 4, 2016.
Some of my friends laughed at me –
They said, “It’s just an election,”
“He’s only the president.”
“God is still really in control.”
But I have seen bullies win before —
Ones not any different than this one –
(Just less powerful)
Bullies who say “I thought you liked it.”
Or maybe, “You asked for it.”
Or, “If you tell, no one will ever believe you.”
Today’s bully wants to “make America great”
But this bully doesn’t understand greatness.
Greatness is not small minded and mean.
Greatness is kind to all (not just to those he deems worthy).
It refuses to be petty and mean when success comes to someone else.
Greatness does not continually lie about its achievements,
Does not over inflate its own importance.
Greatness does not traffic in shame and disrespect,
It does not demand its own honor at all costs,
As a result dishonoring those who serve with honor.
Greatness finds no delight in continually doing wrong.
It is not afraid of truth.
Someone truly great knows how to serve others, not just himself.
62 days til the election…..
God have mercy on us!
Dreamed tonight of my cup of sorrow–
Sitting in a garden on a stone table, moonlight reflecting off its surface.
Jesus said it was time to deal with the cup –
I tried to argue saying, “No, right now this cup is too full.
I can’t drink from this without it spilling all over…”
But the Man of Sorrows had seen each sorrow when it came into my life.
He walked with me into the garden as together, we approached the cup….
When I was an innocent child and the monsters came-it was not my fault
He too was hated and rejected by people (Is 53:3)
When they told me never to speak of it again-and I locked myself in silence, gave up my voice
He too was beaten down and punished but he didn’t say a word. (IS 53:7)
When I was raped at school and went home feeling violated and alone
He was wounded for this wrong (Is 53:5)
When others dumped their shame on me, saying “If something bad happened, you deserved it.”
People would not even look at him either (Is 53:3)
When they said I was worthless and everyone I loved would abandon me
He was hated and we didn’t even notice him either (Is 53:3)
When I found the nest of snakes and memories came back of being covered with them
He was wounded and crushed for this evil (Is 53:5)
When I could not carry Dad’s depression for him and wanted to die from the weight of it
He took our suffering on him and felt our pain for us (Is 53:4)
When those I loved suffered and I could not protect them from
We are being healed because of his wounds. (Is 53:5)
Songs that help:
Under My Feet-Zach Williams
The Hidden Face of God-Michael Card …
The Suffering Symbol-Michael Card
Arise My Love-Michael Card
How do you forgive a ghost, a monster, a memory?
They have no name – just the devastation they left in their path–
Like an oozy-sticky-gooey sucking trail of toxic waste
It still runs down the mountain like volcanic lava
Burning generations left in its wake…
How do you stop it?
One of my childhood monsters reappeared in a dream
when my children were young.
He said, “You can’t protect them from me.”
I was afraid, but I thought surely this was from the Liar –
The monster I knew was gone –
Fled the country.
Surely those I loved were out of his reach.
But monsters can reach through time,
Slipping under the radar like stealth bombers
Sneaking in to drop their payload
in the depth of a starless night.
I cannot control other people’s actions.
I can only seek recovery and lay down the fear.
How do I forgive a monster?
(Or am I the monster I need to forgive?)
Each generation seeks an answer.
For those who follow us
We’ve got to make this end.
April 27, 2020
The road looks so uncertain
Although you’re really hurtin’ –
You wonder ’bout the choice that you have made
To commit to real life changing
And permanent rearanging
Is enough to make us all a bit afraid.
But on the path you’re moving
There’s sure to be improving
And with each step comes strength to carry on.
For one day at a time
By God’s grace we shall find
That in our weakness we can be made strong.
So don’t look back, my brother.
Take one step then another
And the strength you need will surely be revealed.
As you choose to walk this pathway,
Please know you chose the right way
And in your life His grace will be revealed.
(written for a friend, August 12, 1988, as he was on his way to treatment….
he died this week clean and sober, restored to his kids, grandkids and great grandkids, and loved by a lot of folks in his community who had been encouraged by his gentleness and kindness and helped out by his practical assistance in so many ways….gonna miss you, Tim).
Trembling inside, I walked through that door
Unsure just what I was looking for
But hoping that somehow there’d be a way
To find the strength for another day.
I hid in a chair in the back of the place
Averting my eyes from each friendly face.
Afraid of being rejected again
And not expecting to find a friend.
Experience shared gave me strength to hope
As I heard how the others have coped
With the things that threatened to do them in-
How they’re learning to trust and starting to mend.
But as the meeting neared its close
I heard these words and my heart froze–
“Anyone else? How ’bout the blond?”
(Oh LORD, how I wished that I was gone!)
I couldn’t run – made a quick reply,
Curled up inside and wanted to cry.
As soon as I could I headed for home
Too scared to reach out, staying safe but alone.
As I went down the highway I started to see
The wonderful gift that had been given to me.
Acceptance had been there when I walked in the door
‘Cause each of those present walked in these shoes before.
The fear and the pain to them were nothing new.
They didn’t crowd my space ’cause they’d been through it too.
Now by that acceptance I’m drawn back again
To experience the strength and the hope of these friends.
Little girl, quiet and shy,
Afraid of the secrets
That are buried inside.
She’s got lots of questions
But no one to ask
How she can be free at last.
But in the arms of Jesus
She is finally free
To tell her story
And be believed.
He gives her His comfort,
She can rest in His care.
God’s loved little lamb
Is protected there.
In the still of the nighttime
She cries in her room
As the memories close in-
Make her heart like a tomb.
Here brutal oppressors
Once had their way,
But Christ the Good Shepherd
Is her comfort today.
Singer and Shepherd,
Savior and Lord-
What some came to steal
He has come to restore.
With tender compassion
A broken heart mends.
Where once lived despair,
There is laughter again.
Tiny, looks so fragile
Wings like paper-thin but strong
Hovering gently near the flower
Gathering nectar-storing energy
Knowing intuitively what she needs.
Challenges waiting-storms to come
Difficult journey to be done
Takes massive energy-leaves nothing to waste
Gathering strength-she hibernates.
For a time, the hummer is still
In darkness waiting til the sky is filled
With the light of a brand new day
To begin the journey for which she was made.
Sept 26, 2013
My boat seems very little, Lord,
And the waves are very high.
The clouds are moving crazy fast
In an ominous looking sky.
Can’t find a sheltering harbor
In this sea of constant change.
Holding course by years spent knowing
My anchor is in Your name.
So many life transitions
Swirling in this sea of doubt…
Do You have some new directions?
How are things supposed to work out?
Will valuable things be strengthened
Or is meaningful service done?
You know our hearts
You know Your plans….
Lord, let Your kingdom come.
The room is empty
My heart is full
Sing redemption’s song
Child of God
Not trash, thrown away
I rejoice in His love
It is a new day
My heart like a tomb
Was locked and closed
But the stone’s rolled away
From that empty room
If I were an artist, I would draw a large dog crate with no bars on it, no door.
There would be a blanket provided, and food and water,
but never kind words or a comfort or pet.
Courage would be led there at night and told to stay until morning.
The “stupid little bitch” would be alone with her fears, guilt and shame.
(At least the darkness hid her).
Morning’s light would not provide relief.
The Accuser could still visit whenever he pleased.
He’d come to confirm her lack of value, uselessness, failures and guilt.
She’d never had sex with a boyfriend.
(No, she was waiting for marriage.)
Instead, she had been raped by a married man.
(He said was going to hell).
(Does it still “count” as “having sex” if:
You are watching from the ceiling?
Your body is numb?
You say you don’t want it?
You don’t know you can say “NO!”)
Only now does she see there are no bars or door on her crate.
Only now does she see there is an escape.
Only now does she see the hand of kindness extended-
A Savior who sees the child He died for – one that He loves still.
Learning to give back the shame is courageous. (It is not hers to carry).
Learning to say “I didn’t deserve this” is courageous. (Abusers manipulate).
Learning to walk out of the cage and embrace freedom is courageous.
Learning to call it “rape” because that’s what it was is courageous (and he was a Liar).
Learning to live is courageous. (Her life is in God’s hands).
(This simple, twisted man doesn’t get to take it away.)
Romans 8:38 (from the Passion Translation): So now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love. There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!