What time I am afraid, I will trust in You…
But, Lord, I am afraid all the time, all of this time,
Right here, right now, today.
Every breath, every whisper, every whimper…
Always, fear is continually whispering in my ears –
“You are not strong enough to do this,
There is no solution…You are going to die.
You haven’t done enough to let them know
how much you love them…
Worse, you haven’t showed then how much I love them!”

God, how could it ever be enough!
One lifetime is not enough
To surround them with songs and prayers
And laughter and shared tears
And hopes and meals and hugs
And celebrations – in joy and in sorrows
Celebrating new pets and grieving the ones we lost…

From Choo Choo train obsessed toddler
To a kind, helpful, capable young man
From shy guy observing everything
To happy fisherman, getting Big Bob set up
From little enthusiasts singer even before she had words,
To helping lead her school in Christmas songs
From stealthy little acquisition planner
To kind puppy loving snuggler…
Their mammas and papas…loved so much and so good at loving
They are good humans…

But it’s not enough time….
God, I need more.
Please, God give me more.

12/10/23

(Even though I am only Stage II, it’s impossible not to think about recurrence (my cancer has a 70%. chance of coming back) and the horrors of the next surgery coming up. I hear the voice of my 4 year old grandson as he took his grandpa’s hand years ago and led him upstair to “fight dinosaurs”- “Be Brave, Baboo”. I will borrow his line and try to be brave over the next few months…grandmas can be brave too. This poem was written on a pretty unhinged over the top depressed overwhelmed day.